Being raised by an Eshet Hayil

My mom trying to feed me Cerelac

My system is slowly getting used to the new normal. I changed my curtains, started to do more cardio during my exercises, read more and kept getting in touch with the people I love more often.

Yesterday, I watched the hit musical "Ang Huling El Bimbo". It was amazing. Everything about the musical brought me back to my high school self -- that chubby, theater-loving, OPM-listening, teenager who was in the middle of establishing her own identity. It was during the time when I would listen to Eraserheads' songs whenever I could in the school campus. Partly because it was trending at that time, and partly to gain the same peculiar interests with the guys I was attracted to at that time. 

Oh gosh. I have to admit, I was a pretty privileged kid growing up. Some kids my age at that time have to worry about where they would get money to help out meanwhile, I woke up everyday with my breakfast prepared and my uniform spotless and ironed every morning. The only thing I had to worry about were school activities, occasional house chores and deciding what snacks to eat every now and then.

Highschool me with some of my close friends

A lot has changed since then. I'm more sure about some things now than years ago. There were parts of my personality that I have come to accept and focused on improving on where I lacked. I'm more sure about some aspects of my identity, beliefs and values. I'm less hard-headed now than when I was a teenager (most of the time).

The thing about being young was, people usually adapt the values they were raised in and the beliefs they were reinforced with as a child even if later on as adults, these values and beliefs proved to be unhelpful. This is probably the reason how pretty difficult it must be to be a parent, let alone if you are the parent who was given the more responsibility in raising a child.

The reason why there are no perfect parents come from the fact that people tend to biased towards the conditions they were used to growing up. You might think that the values and beliefs you hold at the moment are probably the most important of all and are what you think your children should follow, and in turn, you consciously and unconsciously establish these on your children, even if some of these beliefs and values have downsides to them that you are oblivious of, and because of this, you risk raising these children into adults with the same mindsets and neurotic tendencies you currently have.

I can't believe my hairstyle here was considered trendy at that time

Even though parents have the best intentions, parents are still people and people can only teach what they know at the moment. You can't teach a person what you don't know unless you start learning for yourself. You can't teach your children how to properly listen when someone is talking, if majority of the time you aren't  even giving your children the attention they deserve when they talk about something they are interested in. You can't teach your children how to value their emotions, if you keep taking offense whenever your child expresses anger, sadness or worry. You can't teach your child the value of apologizing and accepting responsibility, when you yourself won't apologize when you unnecessarily hurt your child.

It gets even more tricky when you get older because the more you get older, the less likely are you willing to take your pride down a notch, the less likely are you willing to be wrong or admit that you are wrong especially in the face of someone younger and is "less experienced" than you are. I can relate based on my own experience and my friends' experiences. Pride hurts more as you get older, and it will hurt even more to people who are unwilling to relearn learning, or those who are unwilling to be wrong for a while in the present, to be less wrong in the future.

With my grandma, mama and brothers (ca 2005)

If you think of it, maybe that's where the saying "It's hard to teach old dogs new tricks" comes from. It's not because they are losing the ability to learn, but maybe they just weren't taught how to be versatile when it comes to learning, or they weren't taught on valuing learning in itself.

Not sure when the exact date this was taken but my brothers have already started to grow facial hair by this time

That's why I find parenting and raising a child to be absolutely terrifying, and why I doubt if I'll even be an adequate parent when and if the time comes. How do you know when you are doing a good job raising a person when the act of raising a person doesn't come with an instruction manual? How do you know that you are not setting your child up for failure? How do you know if the values you are teaching your child is going be valuable when he or she grows up? How do you know when you are being too hard, or when you are coddling your child too much? How much damage is enough damage-- when you know that too much damage might mean traumatizing you child all the way to adulthood and overly protecting your child from any damage will actually damage the person growing up by weakening him or her? 

These are all the questions that come to mind when I think about the responsibilities a child rearer has, and the thing about it is when you start, there is no 'Esc' button. It's a program you can't close as simple as pressing down 'Ctrl + Alt + Del' (haha nerd). In order to do an adequate job, and avoid unintentionally causing unnecessary damaging your child, you have to know your own weaknesses, where you lack, your own biases, and even the shadow aspects of yourself that needs improvement, and those alone are really darn HARD.

My mom with my university-free, pre-board exam face

This is why I consider myself a very lucky child to have grown up being raised by a valiant woman. If our house was a theater play and my brothers and I were the aspiring thespians, my dad would be the producer- providing the stage, the set, the costumes and the logistics -- but my mom? She would be the director, as she "directs" everything in the household to be "perfectly balanced as all things should be".

אֵשֶׁת חַיִל

Eshet Hayil

'Eshet hayil' they called her -- a Hebrew word for the woman of valor in Proverbs 31:10-31. Whenever I read this passage, it reminds me of the image of my mom:

Proverbs 31:10-31 New International Version (NIV)

Epilogue: The Wife of Noble Character

10 [a]A wife of noble character who can find?
    She is worth far more than rubies.
11 Her husband has full confidence in her
    and lacks nothing of value.
12 She brings him good, not harm,
    all the days of her life.
13 She selects wool and flax
    and works with eager hands.
14 She is like the merchant ships,
    bringing her food from afar.
15 She gets up while it is still night;
    she provides food for her family
    and portions for her female servants.
16 She considers a field and buys it;
    out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
17 She sets about her work vigorously;
    her arms are strong for her tasks.
18 She sees that her trading is profitable,
    and her lamp does not go out at night.
19 In her hand she holds the distaff
    and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
20 She opens her arms to the poor
    and extends her hands to the needy.
21 When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
    for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
22 She makes coverings for her bed;
    she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
23 Her husband is respected at the city gate,
    where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
24 She makes linen garments and sells them,
    and supplies the merchants with sashes.
25 She is clothed with strength and dignity;
    she can laugh at the days to come.
26 She speaks with wisdom,
    and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
27 She watches over the affairs of her household
    and does not eat the bread of idleness.
28 Her children arise and call her blessed;
    her husband also, and he praises her:
29 “Many women do noble things,
    but you surpass them all.”
30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
    but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
31 Honor her for all that her hands have done,
    and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

TL:DR?

That's okay. All in all, this passage talks about the valiant woman (Eshet Hayil) and how she is described.

During my brothers' senior high school graduation

Eshet Hayil is industrious (verses 13-19). 

She multiplies what is given to her. Give her ingredients, she will cook you a meal. Give her sperm, she will bear you a child. Give her a pot of land, she gives back a thousandfold. Give her house, she will give you a home.

With my post-board exam face during the oath-taking ceremony

Eshet Hayil sees the bigger picture (verses 25-28). 

While men know the important technicalities and the how-to's of livelihood, a woman generally knows what to do and how to use these for the bigger picture. Men generally lack this ability as they more keen on focusing on what is in front of them. Another analogy would be men usually value strength and how to gain more strength since strength is power. Women on the other hand, usually know how to direct these strengths in order to maximize the outcome. In other words, they won't teach you to how to directly fight off a person when a conflict arises, like a dad would but rather how to make the most of the conflict by avoiding the conflict at all.

My mom with my grandma and her siblings

Eshet Hayil is generous to the poor and a wise and grateful teacher (verses 26-31). 

The spirit of compassion is often taught first by mothers. That was how it was in my case at least. The modern world we live in is often leading us to believe that to gain more means to gain more, keep more, save more, earn more. "Don't share your blessings. Don't give scraps of food to hungry street children as it will only enable them to become more dependent on society for food". That's what I was taught straight from well-meaning elders' mouths. However we all know that's not always the case. Most poor people are poor not because they lack money, or because they are lazy but because they lack opportunities --  to have someone believe in them, to have the capital to make things better for themselves. And this was something I learned from my own mother and from the family she comes from -- how sometimes, in order to gain something more important, you need to lose something less important.

My mom and her forever bouncer, my dad

It took me a while to learn all of these things and to realize how my mother is an actual Eshet Hayil described in this passage. It makes me all the while appreciate her more and how a mother and a wife's job description is severely underrated.

I hope someday I might be able to conquer the fears and doubts and become an Eshet Hayil myself, with my own mother being my first inspiration to become one.

Happy Mothers Day ma! I hope to be as brave and courageous as you and all mothers out there someday 🌈

Yes I know she's hot. No, you may not have her number.