My dance with loneliness

"Where are You now
When darkness seems to win?
Where are You now
When the world is crumbling?"

I look back to the past weeks when I was more in denial of what was happening in the world due to the breakout of COVID-19. I was never a fan of news and political issues, partly because I developed this habit of protecting myself from the disappointment that comes with listening to news and current issues and mainly because I couldn't afford to be fan at my current state. 

I live far away from the comforts of home. My only means of receiving news is free FB and a network with an almost nonexistent internet coverage. The only times I get to have bearable internet access using my mobile data is when I'm outside, on the streets, or on the way to work, or at the studio. I get lucky if I get three bars of signal, or if my phone chooses to be in a good mood and not glitch every time I open the keypad.

Now since the city declared community quarantine, my eyes opened to the fact of how lonely life is, to be far away from the comforts of home in the middle of a global crisis like this. I'm an over thinker, and I already have been transparent of my reoccurring bouts of anxiety. Anxiety + isolation = not a good combination. It's as if living in a big city alone isn't lonely as it is.

Don't get me wrong, my time in the big city opened me to a lot of experiences that really helped my self-development. I was able to cope with the loneliness, stress from work, and anxiety because of my pole and aerial classes, my pole friends-turned-family, occasional adventures and Sunday services.

And to have all these pulled from the plug in an instant,.. I'm left alone with the COVID-19 stress and my regular bouts of anxiety without anyone to physically turn to. It's debilitating, and it feels really lonely, but now matter how frustrating is, it's for the greater good. I may not have someone or my pets to hug every night and it's been a long time since I tasted my mother's or grandma's cooking, but I'd rather have this than the possibility of seeing any of my family members or friends in pain and gasping for air.

The funny thing about it is, I have only been in community quarantine for a few weeks, and my instability is already popping out like a broken jack-in-the-box. Loneliness especially chronic loneliness can literally drive anyone crazy. I've only read it in certain research papers, but reading about it and actually experiencing a small fraction of it are two completely different things. I could only imagine what OFWs might be feeling every day. I have to give my dad credit for that (Kudos to you papa).

My occassional loneliness though, existed way before the COVID-19 quarantine, my question is -- is it supposed to feel this way? Growing up? Adulting? Am I doing adulting right if I keep feeling lonely? And by that I mean, do I warrant the right to call myself an adult if I keep feeling this way, if I keep facing these feelings of anxiety, loneliness and insecurity? But it shouldn't, right? Since these things are only part of the human experience.

I think that's where community comes in, and collective consciousness comes in. God comes in, or anyone's version of a perfect being or the universe, except at the moment, is embodied in the form of a parent, saying

"Look up child"

and that's when you know that even with the loneliness, you find refuge in the faith that someone is holding your hand through it all.

Shout out to this guy for being my constant therapist throughout this whole ordeal: