My tendency to "kuan" and the deeper meaning behind it

“Kana ba.. kana bang kuan.. dili siya mu-kuan..” and the next thing I knew, 80% of the words coming out of my mouth were “kuan”.

Every Filipino brought-up-Bisaya could relate to what I had just mentioned, but for those of you who can’t, it was the annoyance I feel towards myself when I can’t explain what’s on my mind. Whenever I can’t properly *articulate* (/ärˈtikyələt/) what I really want to say, my mouth gets the better of me and the next thing I know, words coming out of my mouth are forming fragments in the air instead of sentences, and I start looking like a walking unfinished cross-word puzzle.

Photo by Hans-Peter Gauster on Unsplash

It’s either that or I get too excited about finally being able to know what to say and how I should phrase it, that it all comes out of my mouth way too fast. I was dubbed the “Rap God” (because I talk too fast when I actually find the words to say) during oral presentations, and frankly, I am kind of embarrassed to say that I deserved it.

Although my explaining prowess greatly improved since then, especially when I got to be exposed to more diverse crowds after college, I still have a difficult time explaining sometimes, and it stems from my tendency to over-complicate things that many people find simple.

I think about it more. I stopped thinking of how, and instead think about why, I feel the way I feel whenever I begin to have problems in relaying my thoughts. Why does my ego get hurt whenever this tendency of mine is pointed out?

I tried doing root-cause-analysis, process mapping my flow of thoughts (my process engineering friends would find this humorous), doing a background or historical checking on events on where and when these problems often occur, doing pareto analysis if this issue is worth investing my time and effort in, since it was already causing me emotional discomfort— and then it struck me.

My problem wasn’t my stuttering or my using of "kuan" as a band-aid filler.

My problem was and still is one of my greatest insecurities – I over-complicate things: making big messes out of things that are supposedly pretty simple, being a bothersome towards anyone who I talk to, and being too overly conscious that anyone I talk to would start doubting my reliability or God forbid— my competence. It takes a blow on my pride, and oftentimes, it’s too much to handle.

People would argue that this issue is pretty small and that maybe at the moment, and by actually taking up more time relaying my gibberish thoughts in a blog post, I am still over-complicating something that people would consider pretty small.

Maybe naanad lang jud ko maglisod-lisod sa akong life… (Maybe I'm just used to doing things the hard way in life)
.
.
.
Maybe.

I’ve always been the type of person who has immersed herself in the “naning” culture. I never mind doing the “kuti” things or the things that require intricacy on my part, no matter how tiresome it might be. Isn’t that what you would expect from an overachiever?

To be perseverant? To be diligent? I personally think I’ve become the poster girl for these two qualities at many points in my life, but... maybe too much.

Maybe that's why I could relate to Rory Gilmore on a spiritual level more often than not

I have heard a lot of people praise me on my borderline-workaholic work ethic. This work ethic was carried out to the other areas of my life. For example, I was quite the A+ student at school because “perseverance”:

But I was also sticking with my toxic relationships at school, because again “perseverance” with just a little bit of denial.

During that time, I still haven’t heard of the art of the “goldilocks zone”. For me it was all or nothing, give your all or don’t, and it led to catastrophic consequences.

Until now, I guess I can say that I’m still having a difficult time balancing work and play, and nailing that “goldilocks zone”, because of how I was conditioned to stay “naning”. But I guess that’s the challenge – unlearning something that didn’t serve me anymore.

This is life. I mean, this was how how we have always thrived as a species, I guess? Learning how to adapt and be versatile.

I personally don’t think anyone can survive without growing and evolving through difficult situations. And I intentionally separated “growing” and “evolving” in the previous sentence because they are two different things.

To evolve, involved removing or replacing some of an organism’s body parts in order to cope with the changes in the environment, just like how several species have in the course of several millennia, which we still see existing today. Some organisms have wings, some have antlers, some have scales, and they developed these to brave the terror of existence itself.

Growing is different, it means to actually build up mass, increase in size, get stronger, tougher and larger. A day-old baby in its delicate form can't score a goal in a soccer field. Growing takes time. Growing takes patience and growing doesn’t only apply in our physical bodies, but also applies in our other areas.

Photo by Suzanne D. Williams on Unsplash

I’m in my 20s. 
I’m getting old. 
I also don’t want to die early because of something trivial such as stress, but at the same time I don’t want to waste my life engrossing myself into counterproductive coping mechanisms like addiction just to escape reality. I have always said I’d rather face life head on, and face life head on, I shall.

Please enjoy this photo of me at my most natural, equilibriated state under moderate stress

So that’s it.

I had a problem. Examined where it came from. Investigated and obtained the root case. I formulated a plan, and now, comes the scary part, as it is the part where all my hypocritical tendencies comes out of the curtain and enter the stage – actually doing what I’m supposed to do.

Good luck future Roxanne Marie. 
Let me know how it goes.