The Process of Reinvention

I had this really narrow outlook on life which developed throughout my formative years of being an overachiever. It went like this: I thought that if I worked hard enough, I will eventually get what I want -- satisfaction, recognition for my hard work, good grades (which at that time was a sort of personal currency for my self-esteem), praise and validation from random strangers, you name it.

For a long while in my early years, I got what I wanted whenever I tirelessly worked day and night for it. It was as proportional as simple logic that "if I do this... then I get that" and so on. As a result, I had really bad coping skills whenever I face failure. I've always ingrained the thought the world only belongs to the winners, to the best, to the first ones who reach the finish line, to the person peaking on the mountain of excellence. This resulted to a span in my life where I had this domineering fear of failure because at the back of my mind, I keep thinking, "What good am I if I can't top this and that? What good am I if I can't be the best?"

Basically, my unhealthy motivation for doing things always started with the words "What good am I..."

Looking back, I realized that the overachieving persona that I had built for myself was just a facade to cover up all my other insecurities and the other parts of myself I felt ashamed of. "At least it worked" or "At least you got what you wanted" you might say, but the truth is it was a form of self-destruction that I had become addicted to. I had a fragile and unstable sense of ego at that time and I was looking towards superficial achievements to feed myself the validation I craved for.

It turned me into a jerk with a really immature and entitled way of thinking. Immature, because I was intimidating other people to flaunt my prowess or to exhibit my competence and because of that, I developed a really unhealthy sense of pride. Entitled, because I thought I deserved more based on how much I invested into something, and not once did I look back to appreciate the people who helped me get to where I am. My reasons? At the back of my head I keep thinking that "that's what they're supposed to be doing for me in the first place". Yes. I was a bitch, I know and if I could meet the person I was three to four years ago, I'd have a long, deep sit-down with her to shed some light on what she's subconsciously doing.

All my relationships suffered because of my lack of maturity at that time. I hurt many people who genuinely loved me because my priorities were superficial and elsewhere and the sad part about it was, nobody could help me figure myself out. Developing my then mindset and personality was something I needed to do on my own, it was something I had to take responsibility for. Now, looking back, I realized that no one could make anyone else mature (trust me, a lot of people tried it on me, forced me, emotionally manipulated the hell out of me to mature faster and all of their efforts just backfired -- very badly).

I came to a point in my journey that I began to question everything I was conditioned to be. It took me a tough breakup, my group mates and I getting delayed in finishing our capstone project, my thesis mates and I not being allowed to enroll on our final subject until the next term, a lot of emotional breakdowns in the laboratory, a lot of self-help reading sessions, a lot of sleepless nights, a lot of meditating, a lot of getting back up after each shitty experience that could make me easily want to cry in the corner, and a lot of hits to my pride and ego, to get me the most self-aware version of myself right now.

This is relevant in a spiritual level.

If I should describe what college (or more specifically, my time in chemical engineering and my relationships with people at that time) taught me, Thank U Next by Ariana Grande would be the best song to describe it haha:

"
It taught me love
It taught me patience
It taught me pain
That shit's amazing."

Pain is amazing and I couldn't agree more. There were a lot of times where I felt that the only reward I was getting in jumping through life's hoops, is all of the bruises and all of the scars. But now I look back and realize that my external state didn't really matter that much.

Diane Nguyen captured the essence of the problem with chasing "happiness"

A wise person once told me that if you search for happiness, be prepared to be miserable. Why? Because happiness is fleeting since it is based on circumstances, but joy is independent of whatever the external state is, and lately did I realize, that everyone needs joy (wherever they may find themselves on life's ferris wheel).

On my end, I needed to feel okay with myself not holding up to my own standards or being the "best" or what I thought was the "best", and that's how I was inspired to go through the process of reinvention.

Here's a lexicon of reinvention

I'm still in the journey of trying to discover more about myself and on the way to becoming the Highest Version of Myself whoever that person may be. There are still times that I screw up, but now I recognize that the most important part of my journey is how much I'm willing to be corrected, but at the same time still be able to take responsibility and stay in touch with how I feel.

So in case you would like to join me on this journey, you're very welcome to come along for the ride. Let's all learn and grow, okay my dears?

Namaste.