Insecurities: The Crap We Deal With While We're Staying Alive
I want to talk about something difficult: insecurities.
I gained a lot of weight
during high school. I think it was the hormones and well, puberty. Eventually
the weight gain took a huge toll on my well-being. Every time I'd take
something from the dinner table, I'd get a lecture series from my relatives on
how my body weight is directly proportional to my chances of success and
eventually my worth as a person. I grew up being regularly told that the world
is not kind to overweight people especially to overweight girls. This
eventually hit my self-esteem so badly, that instead of being motivated to
change, I kept myself in denial to cope with these insecurities.
Life happened in high school and eventually I found myself falling in puppy love for a senior. I was wrestling with the fact that I wouldn't be good enough for the guy (because at that time I was overweight and from the perspective of my insecure teen brain, pretty ugly). So long story short, I got my heart broken, mainly because of my insecurities and one-sided expectations. After spending several weeks crying about it, I took it as a wake up call. That something needed to change.
I started researching about weight loss. However, I was still driven by spite and a broken heart at that time, and was so desperate to lose weight, so that I would feel worthy. So that for once, I want to make all those judgy comments about me looking like a giantess and being the size of a truck, stop. I was desperate to the point of seriousness of developing eating disorders such as anorexia and bulimia. If you think those are easy walks in the park? Think again lol.
It started with discovering an online calorie counter and realizing that I have been eating way more than what my body, at its average activity level at that time, can process. I gradually decreased my daily calorie limit, from 2000 to 1500, 1200, 1000, 800 Calories per day and exercised everyday (even using Jane Fonda workout videos at the expense of my own comfort) but it just wasn't enough. I wasn't losing weight as fast as I wanted. I became obsessed with my weight to the point of paranoia.
At that time, we didn't own a weighing scale, so what I'd do is that I'd walk to a pharmacy store and pay five pesos to a machine that would spit out my height, weight and calculated BMI through a receipt. Pretty convenient right? Nope. Not when you're going there almost everyday just to make sure you have not gotten 0.1 kg heavier than the previous reading, and yes, every time I enter the store, I keep witnessing those judgy eyes of the store employees. So everytime I plan to go there, I had to prepare alibis of my presence in that store.
I eventually reached an extreme point where I reduced my daily calorie intake to 500 Calories. That's equivalent to eating 4.2 servings of Sky Flakes crackers per day. I had to limit my food choices to cucumbers, lettuce, carrots, tuna and crackers just to make sure I was eating less than what my basal metabolic rate requires. That, and a lot of jogging and Jane Fonda exercises.
While I was coasting on my newly found sense of self-worth in my "normal" body weight, no one saw the heartaches and psychotic breakdowns I was experiencing every time I found out that I "gained" 0.5 kg in a course of two days. Nobody saw the side of me leaning over to the toilet after eating a bowl full of tuna and lettuce, and puking out whatever I've just eaten recently. Nobody witnessed the shouting matches I've been having in my head, as those voices were telling me that I need to lose more weight, and to not eat that chocolate cake because I had to keep convincing myself that I was "going to end up all alone if I eat that chocolate cake and become fat". Nobody knew the real reason why I kept going out of the house at that time and walking around in the mall without any money was to only daydream about eating the sweet bread and pastries on display on their glass windows. No one knew that the real reason why my hairline was getting thinner, why my hair was getting brittle and dull, and why my bones were slowly becoming transparent through my skin. Of course, it was because I haven't been taking in any nutrients lately (I just kept lying and telling people who keep asking me that I was sick).
In a span of three months, I lost over 24 lbs. My mom was one of the first people who became proud of my weight loss but was wary about my not having a period in three months, so I was asked to see an OB for a check-up. I didn't know it at that time but it was amenorrhea, one of the most obvious signs of an eating disorder. Yet for some reason, the OB I was seeing at that time missed that. I was instead asked to do a pregnancy test (Yes, with my mom right beside me, so for an innocent fourteen-year old girl, it was a very awkward moment) just to make sure of things.
In my life, I've had my share of experiences which made me look petty, desperate, disappointing and who knows whatever labels people have used on me until now. The 16-year old me used to lay awake at night at whatever small comment or criticism some random person threw at me that day, and now, I still do lay awake at night sometimes but I have a better way of coping with things (I could thank my program for helping me earn this thicker skin tbh).
The insecurities didn't die out though, they never do. I am a firm believer that as long as we are still living and breathing on this planet, there will always be something our minds take into concern. Our awareness will always allow worries and insecurities to navigate the mind. The trick is to practice handling them so that we might contain and control our responses to those insecurities and not give them power to define and control us.
One thing that had helped me is journalling and having an insecurity log. An insecurity log is something like a planner which helps in self-actualization, to make sure I'm doing something about my insecurities instead of just plain throwing a pity party on myself.
I start mine with the following questions:
In my life, I've had my share of experiences which made me look petty, desperate, disappointing and who knows whatever labels people have used on me until now. The 16-year old me used to lay awake at night at whatever small comment or criticism some random person threw at me that day, and now, I still do lay awake at night sometimes but I have a better way of coping with things (I could thank my program for helping me earn this thicker skin tbh).
The insecurities didn't die out though, they never do. I am a firm believer that as long as we are still living and breathing on this planet, there will always be something our minds take into concern. Our awareness will always allow worries and insecurities to navigate the mind. The trick is to practice handling them so that we might contain and control our responses to those insecurities and not give them power to define and control us.
One thing that had helped me is journalling and having an insecurity log. An insecurity log is something like a planner which helps in self-actualization, to make sure I'm doing something about my insecurities instead of just plain throwing a pity party on myself.
I start mine with the following questions:
- What is your insecurity? (e.g. My body being overweight)
- What is your goal? Be specific. (e.g. To reach a body mass index within the normal range and develop muscle strength)
- What are you planning to do to fix your response to that insecurity? (e.g. I'm planning to exercise for 180 min per week and gradually increase them while maintaining a healthy diet)
- What have you done so far that is helping you fix your problem? (e.g. Just realizing that I need to lose weight haha)
- What are you doing right now to help you fix your insecurity? (e.g. I cut back 100 Calories from my target Caloric intake today)
- How do you feel at the moment? (e.g. Very good.)
and so on.
Each duration of time (it can be everyday, or every two days, or every week, up to you), the person has to log what they did in order to make sure that they are progressing to work on their issues. It also doesn't have to be about weight loss, it may be an insecurity about a toxic behavior or pattern that you want to gradually cut out (e.g. passive-aggressiveness, tending to intrusive thoughts and negativity, being too close-minded), and asking these questions to oneself from time to time may help. Also start looking at areas where mood charts, duration charts or any type of graph may be added that can help make things a bit clearer.
One thing that we all need to be careful on is knowing the boundary of working on an insecurity to improve one's perception of himself/herself and just plainly doing it because that's what we think the world expects of us, and that we might feel as if we're not worth anything if we don't achieve that. Know that there's a huge difference between the two. One can make you feel better about yourself and be more kind to yourself even when relapsing, while the other one is destructive enough to cause a person to get sick mentally.
Another thing to remember is that the goal doesn't always have to be fixing an insecurity. If it's something that is difficult to fix or change like eye color, a missing limb, or a genetic condition, all we can do is accept it as part of ourselves and proceed to loving ourselves including that insecurity accordingly. That is still as noble, as gracious, as brave as working on fixing a workable insecurity.
Having an insecurity log is one of the methods of making ourselves self-accountable and self-aware for insecurities that can be fixed if only we are just willing to. In that way, we can make sure that we are working on a higher version of ourselves little by little while staying grounded and responsible.
How about you? Are there any insecurities you want to fix?
One thing that we all need to be careful on is knowing the boundary of working on an insecurity to improve one's perception of himself/herself and just plainly doing it because that's what we think the world expects of us, and that we might feel as if we're not worth anything if we don't achieve that. Know that there's a huge difference between the two. One can make you feel better about yourself and be more kind to yourself even when relapsing, while the other one is destructive enough to cause a person to get sick mentally.
Another thing to remember is that the goal doesn't always have to be fixing an insecurity. If it's something that is difficult to fix or change like eye color, a missing limb, or a genetic condition, all we can do is accept it as part of ourselves and proceed to loving ourselves including that insecurity accordingly. That is still as noble, as gracious, as brave as working on fixing a workable insecurity.
Having an insecurity log is one of the methods of making ourselves self-accountable and self-aware for insecurities that can be fixed if only we are just willing to. In that way, we can make sure that we are working on a higher version of ourselves little by little while staying grounded and responsible.
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| Here's what I am currently trying to improve: my self-awareness and stopping mentally destructive habits |
How about you? Are there any insecurities you want to fix?
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