How to be selfish after not giving a shit about yourself for too long
NOTE: Some of the content might be
triggering for some people. If you’re struggling with something right now and
don’t need any reminders of the flaws of humanity, please skip the third
paragraph. Remember that it’s important to take care of yourself at a time like
this so reach out for support, okay? Take care of yourself babe.
Let’s be honest, as of the moment, I am
in a seemingly perpetual limbo. I don’t know where I am going in life. I feel
as if nothing good is coming out of what I have been doing these past few
months. I’ve been exposed to a major heartbreak and tragedies such as the death
of my dog and going through a huge academic slump that left me feeling lost and
hopeless for long lost weeks of being unproductive. Despite all that, I am
trying to be positive, and why shouldn’t I be? Is it to mask the existing
reality that I am actually in a mental wreck right now? No but I admit, that
was my intention at first. Now, I am trying to get back on my feet and see any
good in all of these traumatic events that I am going through, and that
matters.
The point is, even the most seemingly
positive people are struggling too. I know I have been bombarding my social
media accounts with positive mumbo-jumbo but however, along the way, it felt…
tiring. I feel like as if I was just doing a charade.
This became one of my irrational voices
for a while and I still am struggling with it until now. I feel haunted by the
most negative thoughts at the back of my head that keep saying stuff like “the
people I actually am leaning on to in this difficult time don’t actually like
me, and are actually glad that I have these problems, so I should just shut up”
or that “I should just keep things to myself because I kind of deserve all this
pain that I’m feeling” or that “I should just stop motivating myself to be
positive or to be a better person because they will eventually see that all of
this is just a charade and that they will eventually recognize me as a fraud, a
sham because deep down, I am that toxic or a selfish hollow of a person anyway
and they will cut me out of their life just like how other people have”. To
those who can’t relate, you may think that this is maybe being overly dramatic,
but the truth is, a lot of people struggle with these thoughts. These voices in
their heads are really not that easy to block off, and the experience can make
one feel hopeless because at times, it feels like no amount of self-induced
positivity can make them go away.
But that’s where I went wrong. I had all
these backbreaking emotional baggage that I have been carrying with me for a
long time and I was using my relaying of positive content as a distraction, as
a band-aid instead of actually sitting down and dealing with difficult
emotions. So, it is somewhat like “fake positivity”. I learned that I’m not
supposed to deprive myself from grieving which is the God-given way of
processing traumatic experiences and I say it’s God-given because it only feels
natural that when we’re hurt or feeling intense emotions, we need to let it
out. Repressing these emotions, “manning up” or acting like it’s no big deal
are things society has brainwashed us to do, and it’s actually
counterproductive to what we actually want which is freedom from the emotional
baggage.
Also, continually repressing our emotions
can only worsen one’s state over time. When we keep repressing these feelings,
there is a higher chance that these will come off as anger, irritation and
frustration which are “easier” feelings to deal with than more difficult
emotions such as sadness, fear, loneliness, inadequacy, abandonment, emptiness,
guilt, self-pity or grief. I placed quotation marks around the word “easier”
because it seems easier for us to be seen as a walking talking ball of
aggression instead of a person who keeps falling apart but almost all the time,
it involves a lot of projecting and displacing ill feelings on other people,
and the ones who usually take the fall are our loved ones. As these instances
accumulate and intensify, the relationships with our loved ones suffer, and
sometimes, they eventually break.
People often choose to repress what they
feel in order to not appear weak, or to not be called selfish (what I’m
currently dealing at the moment) or because they feel ashamed for feeling that
way or for having that kind of emotion for whatever reason. But one thing I’ve
also learned recently is that I shouldn’t be ashamed for feeling what I’m
feeling because emotions are just emotions. Emotions are part of the experience
of being human and there are no good and bad emotions. They don’t define us but they
also aren’t value judgments either (in other words, we can’t allow ourselves to
make decisions based on how we feel alone).
So, what do I do Rox? Be selfish. Yes, I understand that the word selfish has always had a negative societal
connotation around it and we rarely want to be labeled as such, but if you
haven’t given enough shit about yourself for far too long, then by all means
friend, be selfish! And I don’t mean that you be selfish in a way that you’ll
start running over other people or leach off of them just to reach a
self-gratifying end, because that’s being narcissistic (and that is a
destructive form of selfishness, so please avoid doing that).
Know that there is always a way to
maintain your relationships without making yourself or other people miserable. Your
happiness is your responsibility but other people are humans too and they also
have their own share of filthy emotional baggage that they are dealing with, so
it’s very important to not run them over because even in your current journey
of being “selfish”, whether you like it or not, you need
other people.
So, with this long-ass article comes a
list of things you can do in order to be selfish
and improve a healthy sense of self. I would like to drop a disclaimer: I am
not a licensed mental health professional; the following points are partly
based on the things that I am going through and what I have been doing to cope
with the distasteful events I’ve experienced. However, I did my research based
on sources authored and co-authored by licensed professionals. If you want to
know more about the sources I have based my article on, the reference section
is just at the end of this article.
1. Feel what your feeling and be honest about it
As I continually observe people in our
society as a whole, I’ve come up with a realization that there are way too many
people who walk around like ticking bombs because of repressed emotions. From
watching Kati Morton videos [1], I came upon this episode where she
talked about girl who shared to be usually perceived as calm, care-free and kind
when she’s sober. However, at one point, she got too drunk and started becoming
angry and mean. Kati answered with an old saying that goes “What soberness conceals, drunkenness reveals”.
This is highly true in most angry drunk cases. In order to avoid things like
these from happening in the future, the first thing we should ask ourselves is
“What are we really going through?” That’s question number one. Are we just pretending that we’re happy and
care-free? Or are we actually really angry and upset about stuff that has been
happening? [1] Be honest with yourself, because
there’s no point in self-reflection if we are constantly in denial of what we
feel.
These stuff that’s happening could be
anything and there is no set of rules of what should or what shouldn’t set us
off. It could be: problems at home, a cheating spouse, failing at an exam, losing
a huge amount of money or a huge amount of time, or it could be things just piling
up way too much at work or maybe we’re just angry at ourselves for being this
and that. We might feel frustrated and become annoyed with people but we
pretend that we feel okay. This is the first mistake because the thing is, if
we keep doing this and avoid being honest with ourselves, then the next time we
put ourselves into any position of vulnerability (e.g. getting too drunk), all
that pent-up feeling, all the frustration, the anger, all those times when we
could have just be real for a bit and vented about our problems little by
little, or screamed through a pillow, they all come out at once, either through screaming or through tears because
there’s nothing to hold it back. There’s no part of us that’s like “we have to
put a good face and smile, and be friendly” so it all comes out at once, and it
can be really embarrassing to the person who does it and hard for their friends
to be around them [1].
Things would be different if we don’t
try to repress our emotions, and instead get to know them and sit down with
them. But the thing is, most people don’t want to sit down with their emotions
because it makes them feel uncomfortable, so what they do? They put on a show,
they put themselves in a state of denial either by pretending that things are
happy and sparkly and so positive (like what I was doing), or by masking them
with anger, frustration, aggression, arrogance and contempt which are “easier” and
emotions to deal with.
I put “easier” in the quotation marks
because, as sure as it might be easier to be seen as a walking talking ball of pride
with nerves of steel compared to a feely person who gets regular emotional
breakdowns, it will eventually come back over time in a form of ruined
relationships and lost opportunities. And we don’t want that for ourselves,
right? Right. Since we are trying to become selfish
people. 😉
Like what I’ve rambled on in the first few
paragraphs, people need to understand that having certain emotions is not a
sign of weakness, it is not shameful to feel distress or loss when you actually
lose something (may it be a loved one, a pet, a relationship etc.). It’s
important to teach other people these and to do the same at a state of distress
and not encourage other people to repress their emotions.
2. Reach out
If you’ve noticed, animals tend to
isolate themselves when they are physically hurt to shelter and protect
themselves while they recover. From an evolutionary standpoint, that’s where humans
get their tendency to isolate themselves when they are emotionally hurt.
Isolation or social withdrawal is one of the traps of depression and being in a depressive state. It is referred
to as a trap by Jennifer Soong [2] because it can actually do more harm than
good. When people are in a depressive state, there is a strong urge to pull
away from others and shut down, however, it turns out to be the total opposite
of what we need as social isolation typically serves to worsen the illness and
how we feel [2].
This is because people are like pressure
cookers full of emotion and all of us (including
I) need to vent. Talking to other people helps. Reach out to your friends,
to your family, to your SO etc. Communicate and talk about your problems, if
you feel like you’ve chased away some of your friends because you displaced
some of your ill feelings on them, then apologize. Reach out to strangers if
you feel uncomfortable talking about your issues to your close ones, it’s okay.
However, exercise these sessions with
caution; do not allow yourself to turn these sessions into pity-parties.
Because based on what I’ve learned, out of any mental health habit, self-pity
can drain us of mental strength the fastest [3], and from my experiences, it’s true.
Pity-parties are just going to enable us to stay in our self-pity instead of
empowering us to get back on our feet and face life head-on.
Another thing about it is that mentally
strong people should not feel sorry about themselves. We all have that one
person we avoid because all they do is complain about everything, and do
nothing to fix it. I have to admit, I was and at times, I still am that person.
I often get told that “what good is talking about your problems if you’re also
not doing anything to fix it?”. Often times, when I’m met with these, my ego
gets a beating lel.
Eventually, after that feeling subsides,
I’ll realize that the person was right and that I do need to do something in
order to fix it. However, sometimes it becomes frustrating in those times where
I actually already know the solution to my problems yet I still feel the need
to express how I’m feeling about it.
I got from somewhere that this need to
express feelings is more common in females because they tend to bond by talking
about their emotional experiences about an event. It’s contrary to how most
males bond, which is through helping each other and problem-solving. This is where
the friction occurs between partners within male-female relationships [4]. I am not saying that one or the other
of two is wrong or that one is better than the other.
It is quite important that we’ll be able
to express our emotions in a healthy way and one of these ways is to obtain
avenues of letting our feelings out where there is no presence of judgment, BUT
it’s also as equally important to not get stuck in that place of self-pity and
that we empower ourselves to actually do something to fix our situation and
continue to face life head-on.
3. Practice healthy coping mechanisms (and YES, abandon those self-degrading and self-depreciating comments you keep telling yourself)
Since almost all of us can’t escape our
responsibilities and the stresses of day-to-day life, and not all of our loved
ones will be available to us 24/7 when we are in a stressful state and need
some venting, it might help to practice healthy coping skills.
According to Kati Morton, a coping skill
is any characteristic or behavioral pattern that enhances a person’s
adaptation. It means that if we feel stress all the time, we can create these
defense mechanisms or coping skills to help us better manage or lessen the
stress. However, coping skills are not created equal. These unhealthy coping skills that may dampen
the stress or relieve the ill feelings for a time, will eventually worsen our
state in the long run. I’ve placed a sample list of both healthy and unhealthy
coping skills below taken from a variety of sources [5–7]. It’s not everything but it’s but just
to give an idea of which skills are healthy and unhealthy.
Do note that any coping skill becomes
unhealthy if it being done in excess and disrupting or avoiding one’s
day-to-day responsibilities, if its intention is to self-harm or if it becomes endangering
to one’s overall well-being (physically, financially, mentally, emotionally
etc.).
For people who are recovering, healthy
coping skills are vital, because you, I and a lot of other people have taken
our unhealthy coping mechanisms and put them in the driver seat of our lives.
Drinking and using takes over an addicted person’s life and are no longer even
considered coping skills but rather, these end up preventing a person from coping
with the ins and outs of normal life [6].
People using unhealthy coping skills are
actually quite more common than you think. In fact, I myself, am guilty in self-medicating
my stress and trauma with a handful of unhealthy coping skills listed above but
I do am trying to shift from it. One of the most prominent is talking badly
about myself, and this was pretty obvious in the first few paragraphs of this
article. I may have picked this up from some friends who also regularly talk
about themselves in social media either through posting and circulating
self-depreciating comments in the form of memes or dark suicidal humor or
whatever. I just recently realized that while I was also doing that and going
with the flow of self-depreciation that it actually does more harm than good.
Looking back, as I was posting these
shady self-depreciating memes, it can be seen that I was somewhat being
passive-aggressive with myself. If you have dealt with passive-aggressive
people in the past, then you’d know how toxic and suffocating the situation and
the person is. So please don’t do that to yourself. Love yourself and help
other people love themselves too.
4. Practice healthy boundaries
If you’re like
me, who has spent a lot of time not giving a shit about herself for far too
long, who has always had a low personal view of herself and thus uses
people-pleasing as a way of coping with it, then this section in the article is
just for you (and me). I realized that
I have been fallen victim of emotional abuse and manipulation from different
people many times. While I’m no fan of victim-blaming, and I do believe that
abuse in any form is wrong and I certainly believe that the abuser’s trauma
does not justify them abusing me, it is my responsibility to teach others how
to treat me. Because like
other types of abuse, emotional abuse (which is actually the most common type
of abuse, and the least talked about) stems from defects in the abuser’s
formative years. We picked up these toxic and disgusting behaviors from the way
we were raised and we also shouldn’t pin the blame on the ones who raised us
right away because people can only give what they have. If our parents lacked
at some point in addressing our emotional needs, there’s a very high chance
that they were also neglected that way when they were younger and there’s also
a very high chance that we, ourselves are also going to pass on that unhealthy
behavior to our future kids if we allow it to. I am a firm believer that most
parents who have good intentions for their children are doing their best to
avoid passing on their own traumatic childhood experiences to their children to
the best of their abilities and the resources. While we
cannot change whatever mistake our parents made in raising us up or whatever
trauma we had in the past concerning our childhood, we can always choose what
we do from here. One way of combating the cycle of abuse and toxic behaviors is
identifying it and actually educating ourselves and others about it. Since we
are by far the most information-gifted generation, we can use this to our
advantage to teach, inform and spread awareness to everyone on a digital
platform on what toxic behaviors are, how to spot them, what emotional abuse
is, and what healthy boundaries are and how to establish them. I have
people-pleasing tendencies and was unknowingly enabling emotionally unhealthy
people. The end-result of not practicing any healthy boundaries is that I’ve
let these people define me, and become almost always exhausted and depressed
for being unable to provide the needs that they keep demanding from me, and I
realized that I am partly responsible for that. Because looking back, I
realized that I also had been emotionally manipulative and abusive myself. I rarely
established any healthy boundaries, mainly because I didn’t know how and because
I wasn’t taught how. If I was taught that I actually have a right to establish
healthy boundaries, there were far a lot more things and relationships that I
could have dealt with differently and a lot that I could have done better. I
wouldn’t have developed a co-dependent
personality. What is
co-dependency? Codependency is linked to enabling. Based on an article by
Khalegi, K., enabling is offering help that perpetuates rather than solves a
problem. A parent who allows a child to stay at home from school because he
hasn’t studied for an exam is enabling irresponsibility. The spouse who makes
excuses for his hung-over partner is enabling alcohol abuse. The friend who
lends money to a drug addict “so he won’t be forced to steal” is enabling that
addiction. The people, where I had fall in, who habitually enable dysfunctional
behavior are often referred to as co-dependents.
They are referred these for the reason that the enabler’s self-esteem is often
dependent on their ability or willingness to “help” in inappropriate ways. The
reality though is that enabling does not help, but it actively causes harm and
makes the situation worse. Because by stepping in to “solve” the addict’s problems,
the enabler takes away any motivation for the other person to take
responsibility for his or her own actions. Without this motivation, there is
little reason for the addict to change [8]. Note that the people who are
being referred to as “addicts” do not only apply to those who practice
substance abuse but also to those who practice unacceptable behavior.
The
following points were taken from an article by Hereford Z. [9]. In this article, several
points have been discussed in establishing healthy boundaries, and recognizing
the signs of unhealthy boundaries. These points have been laid out below,
however, if you’re interested in reading about healthy boundaries more
extensively, Hereford’s article is a great start.
How
to establish healthy personal boundaries:
Signs of Unhealthy Boundaries
·
Going against personal
values or rights in order to please others
5. Continue to keep healthy routines even though you don't feel like it, your body will thank you.
When people
(including I) find themselves in a slump, they tend to let themselves go. What
I mean by letting themselves go is this tendency to stop taking care of themselves
physically, mentally and emotionally (because of the ever-nagging negative
voice in our head that shouts “What’s the point!”, right?). The temptation to
just stay in bed all day and abandon even the most basic hygienic practices
become so strong, and if we give in to it, our self-esteem and sense of self
will deteriorate over time because we allowed ourselves to be eaten by the
despair and hopelessness that came along with our slump.
I’ve been
through a lot of slumps so I know how disempowering it feels. My longest one which
started a couple months ago (and is still happening right now) pushed me to a
point where I laid very unproductive academically for more than a week. I
started hating myself for not being able to concentrate in what I should be
doing, for putting myself in this position, for being unable to fight through
my feelings of self-pity, emptiness and despair. My unhealthy coping mechanisms
came back and manifested itself in the form of undereating, ruminating,
excessive exercise and oversleeping. It resulted to a sudden drop of weight and
a thinning hairline which didn’t help with my self-esteem at all.
I am gradually
getting out of the slump by doing the things I am currently mentioning in this
article. These have worked for me, and maybe they can work on you too.
6. Know your triggers
Eventually we
will still strive to continue our day-to-day responsibilities, and while we
continue to strive, we will find ourselves in toxic situations and encountering
people who never seem to get it. We have over a hundred of people in our social
circle, and it’s completely normal to feel worked up by situations and get
triggered by people.
However, since
we are in a path to selfishness and
recovery, there will be a lot of vacillating from our previous outlook and the
outlook that we strive to have. In order to achieve this new outlook, we need
to stop living in unawareness. One of the reasons why people make a lot of
hasty decisions in anger because they blind themselves from the presence of
their wounds. They don’t give a second thought to what triggers them, why it
triggers them, and eventually they choose to stay unaware of where their wounds
are. The end result is, they just allow life to turn them into victims, and get
unnecessarily hurt, and that’s not how a selfish
person should live.
Imagine having
a conversation with someone who intentionally pushes your buttons, they will
say things that are utterly hurtful, unfair abusive or wrong. When we stoop to
this person’s level, we will get emotionally charged, and there will be this
strong tendency to retaliate and react. However, know that this person, even
amidst all their toxicity, is a suffering
person. Because like the saying goes, “Hurt
people hurt people” so if someone lashes out or say something to you that
is uncalled for and ridiculous, that person is suffering inside. When you
understand it, you are able to take a step back and not take it personally.
It’s not a reflection of you but a reflection of their own insecurities and their
own wounds. It’s a reflection of how they feel about themselves [10].
Know where
your wounds are. Know what your triggers are. Be familiar with them or else
it’s going to be hard for you to not react. But
Rox, didn’t you say that I should always express how I feel? Yes, but not
like this. Not by targeting our emotions towards another person who is doing
that themselves and are actually aiming to make you do it as well. We are not
going to give button-pushers the satisfaction that they gotten through to us.
That’s what being truly selfish all
about. It’s about loving ourselves and parenting ourselves through toxic
situations like these. If we don’t know how to do any of that, then we will
always be constantly reacting towards everyone, and this leads me to my next
point.
7. Give yourself permission to leave toxic situations (or people)
If you’re not
in a space where you can master your emotions in front of this person, you need
to know when to leave the conversation. These are the situations where you have
an opportunity to exercise asserting your boundaries. Say “Hey when you speak
to me in this way, I will leave. I’m not dealing with this.” or “I’m sorry you
feel that way but I am not going to be around someone who speaks to me that
way. Not anymore.” when you are being guilt-tripped about being unable to
handle a situation. Know that when they’re doing this, they are being a child
and grown-up people do not act like that, so don’t tolerate it too.
Know that you
always have a right to leave toxic situations no matter what. If you feel the
emotional surge coming up from the toxic situation, disengage and walk away.
You may let out whatever you’re feeling after you’ve left the toxic situation [10].
8. Failing at some point isn’t
the end of the world.
The
problem with going through a change in mindset, a change in the way we do
things is that, it’s never easy. Trying to change a behavioral pattern in
ourselves is never easy. And it’s actually a lot worse for people who struggle
with mental health issues. From what I hear about people who are depressed and
anxious is that it can feel as if they’ve tried everything and nothing
works. Before anything, if you are currently going through a major depressive
episode or if you are experiencing a new type of low because of a mental health
illness, please I highly recommend you watch this video by Noah Thomas [11]. Give
it a chance. He is a depression, anxiety and panic disorder survivor,
depersonalization and dissociation disorder survivor and a guy with a very long
history of mood problems, alcohol and drug addiction experiences and psych ward
quarantine experiences but he managed to get out, and you can too.
Like
I said earlier, changing the way we do things is never easy. There will be a
lot of vacillating and shifting from old habits and new habits. You can’t
change behavioral cycles overnight, it’s impossible. It can even take years for
someone to completely abandon a habit, because it is a process. It’s not even a
linear process, there will be highs and there will be lows. There will be times
when you’re doing super great and there will be times you will relapse and fall
back into old cycles. And when you do relapse, the most important thing you
need to do when you relapse is to not stay in there. Yes, it’s okay to
feel disappointed, it’s okay to feel hopeless, it’s okay to feel negative
feelings, for a time. But after thoroughly
processing those feelings, let them go, let them out of your system. Because
I’m going to say it again, feelings are just feelings, they are not value
judgements, they don’t define you and your decisions should not be made entirely
on emotions alone. It doesn’t mean that you should just quit because you feel
like a failure when you fail at some point.
So, forgive
yourself for relapsing then try again. And when I mean try again, you try again
with all your heart and soul, you try again with the best of your ability
without carrying the emotional baggage from the last relapse. No excuses. No half-assing. Because if
there is anything that I myself and a lot of people are guilty doing is that we
tend to half-ass things when we are in that pit of despair but we want to
change something that takes us out of the despair. Even Noah Thomas experienced
this. From Noah’s story, if we want to get better sleep and we are given a list
of tips on how to sleep better, we should do everything on that list, not just
nit-pick the points that requires us the least amount of effort and then fully
giving up when it “doesn’t work”. Be honest with yourself, and call yourself
out of your own bullshit. Give everything, every option, the honor and respect
it deserves [11].
In
the words of Noah Thomas,
“You need to be your own hero. Get up. Look yourself
in the mirror and say, ‘I’m going to fight for you today’”
9. Celebrate tiny victories
If there is
one thing that I am doing to help me continue to stay on track in this path of
self-improvement and selfishness is
celebrating victories. Celebrating victories even the tiniest ones is essential
to being selfish. In the words of
Oprah Winfrey “The more you celebrate your life, the more there is in life to
celebrate”. I know that the world is so
big on downplaying other people’s successes and if someone or some people actually
claim your success as their own when all they’ve ever done is complain about
how whatever you were doing isn’t enough, what they’re doing is toxic and it’s
best if stay far away from that person as possible until they grow some balls
and realize that they shouldn’t trample on other people’s successes like that.
We need to
stop belittling our successes and other people’s successes, whether it may be
big or small and at the same time, we shouldn’t allow people to take away our
power. Take some time to acknowledge it. If it’s actually you who is putting on
the work to become better, then congratulate yourself, share your success with
people who you think deserves a part of your success.
I used to
downplay my struggles a lot. When I actually achieved something considerably big,
like topping in the dean’s list, I’d shrug it off as if it was no big deal
while everyone goes out of their way to congratulate me. My friends just shrug
my attitude towards it as being too modest, but in reality, I wasn’t really
satisfied with it, because I felt that it was still lacking, that it was not
enough. Now looking back, I realized that I made a lot of external things as my
sources of self-esteem and it destroyed me. These sources would vary over time
from grades, body image, doing nice things towards other people even if it
downplays my well-being, approval of other people who are important to me, etc.
I didn’t
really put value in myself that much. I downplayed my successes because I
thought that it was expected of me, I thought that if I fell from the standard
that I maintained, no one would love me or people would leave me or withhold
some of my emotional needs because they’ll find out that I’m not valuable enough
because I’m actually not that smart enough, or simply, just not enough. And
having to undergo this persistent imposter syndrome where I’ve struggled in
most of high school and early college years, it became a source of anxiety and depressive
patterns. So far, I’ve recovered in some of my issues in dealing with it, and I
will still continue to do so.
We need to
acknowledge that the path that we’re in is not easy, but we pushed through, and
we made it up to this point and that alone deserves acknowledgement. Do
celebrate your tiny victories, and note that when I mean celebrate, it doesn’t
have to be something that needs spending. It can be as small as taking a break,
or going on a walk with a friend in the park and just enjoy the sight of trees,
or just sitting and looking at the sky on a good day.
Did you pass
that very difficult exam you worked so hard on? Good! Did you get out of bed
and shower today? That’s awesome! Give yourself a pat on the back.
Let’s all
continue down this rocky path of self-improvement. Let’s all trust the process.
Let’s all be truly selfish.
References
[1] Kati Morton,
Can I be happy and still depressed?, (2015).
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u7geJpnzJgY.
References
[2] https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/what-mentally-strong-people-dont-do/201610/how-avoid-attending-someone-elses-pity-party
[3] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CaGF6sWi6ZM&t=226s
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