Story Time: The One with the (Right) Ankle Sprain
Thank you once again for joining this little git in storytelling her various misadventures throughout her shenanigan-ridden life. The following story is a reprise of an ode to my apparent eternal clumsiness that I have so cursed upon myself since the day I started walking. If you think I'm being too harsh on myself, think again. This girl has proven to herself awfully worthy of such ridicule and you'll see why.
Usually around the month of March every school year, I'd give myself permission to take a break from all my academic responsibilities of the previous semester and go home (whether or not I think I deserve it). When you are an undergraduate engineering student from a prestigious university (like mine), by the end of the school year, when non-engineering studying people are supposed to prepare and pack to go home to enjoy their summer, it is expected that you have to stick around in school for a "little while". Two to four weeks is not a "little while". Basically, we just had to accept the fact that a major chunk of our vacation time would be taken from us in order to comply the past semester's piling requirements.
This time it was different. I was (and still am) on my fifth year. In an ideal world, I would have finished my program and march on the university stadium along with the other graduates last March. However, reality hit me hard and it came to a point that I had to accept that I and the rest of my batch mates aren't going to be marching the aisle in our graduation robes to receive our over-glorified pieces of parchment.
Because our flawed culture doesn't look too kindly on failure or delays, we also had to manage the low-key but suffocating pressure being given off by a lot of people, especially from those closest to us. In an action to decrease the anticipated amount of disappointment I might give to these people, I already told them several months ago that I wouldn't be able to march on the stadium on time, and I really couldn't. It wasn't because I was lazy or that I was anticipating to be lazy. Nobody would dare be lazy at 5th year 2nd semester. Are a lot of us are discouraged? Yes. Are a lot of us desperate? Yes. Sleep-deprived? Yes. Were we experiencing neurosis, anxiety and depression? Most of us did. Losing the sparkle of life in our eyes has become the norm by the time we reached near the end point.
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| From Google Images |
I'm the type of student who is fast-paced and the type na dili mahiluna (that can't help it) if I can't successfully provide a solution to a problem. The combination of these two qualities, as I will mention in another separate article in another day, is both a blessing and a curse. This is actually one of the main reasons why I survived and "excelled" in my program better than most, because of my tendency to be too naning (hard-working) for my own good. This is the reason why I get burned out easily, get discouraged about my abilities easily and spend many a nights awake being anxious about not being good enough.
Anyway, let's get back to the story.
March 2018 was the same as the previous March months except by this time, my anxiety levels have reached its peak, responsibilities at school, home and personal relationships were piling up exponentially, and my rate of progress was linear with a very shallow slope (See Figure 1). My high school classmates who also took 5-year programs and my two brothers who were pioneering students in the new K-12 system were also graduating that same month.
After attending my brothers' graduation ceremonies, I was able to catch up with my high school classmates who also graduated that day. One of them invited me and the rest of my high school batch over for a celebratory dinner by the weekend. I felt discouraged to go because I had a lot on my plate at that time and I wasn't sure if I could finish the things that I was supposed to finish if I "slacked off". I already had felt guilty for attending my brothers' graduation ceremony and spending time catching up with my friends earlier before that, so I planned to just sit at home and burn away all the midnight oil until I've completed everything I needed to complete.
One night, one of my professors chatted me for an update on the status of the tasks. He then asked how I have been doing those days. I was reluctant to make the chat longer than it should be because talking to professors who usually are the ones giving away these tasks that I find so difficult to complete, didn't feel right. After encountering several burn-outs and mental black-outs along the way, I decided to take a break and accepted my professor's invitation for a talk. By that time, I was already that desperate for an outlet.
I told him about how I had been feeling-- the frustration and disappointment of not being as productive as I'm supposed to be, the slight envy of seeing my high school classmates graduate on time and wishing that things were different for myself.
The chat went on and he sympathized to what I had been feeling. According to my professor, it was understandable that I was feeling that way and tried to shed a bit of relief in my situation by story-telling how things have been way worse in his time (He was an alumnus of the current department he is teaching), and he was right. Here I was at the other end of the computer screen, seemingly still complaining even though things were already easier for us than what he and his batch went through in his time. Just when I started to feel another wave of discouragement kicking in, he said some really bookmark-worthy things that I'll always be thankful for (probably until the day I die):
Me: "What if it seems that I have already tried all the possible options and I still couldn't achieve it? I've been feeling that way for the past month. I really feel hopeless at this point."
Me: "Sir, are you proud of us?"
To put my professor's words in another way:
What's unusual about this encounter was that this person who I was talking to is actually one of the most goal-oriented faculty members in our department. Basically I see this guy as one of the most ambitious, effective and efficient people I know (in some ways, some of my batch mates look up to him because of that) and here I was being told to chill. I mean I have been told by a lot of people to chill but it feels different when it comes from one of the most not-so-chill people I know in the department. A sudden realization took me over: I must be already pretty messed up since he's already the one telling me that.
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| Figure 1. Schematic plot of tasks completed and status of completion in March 2018 |
March 2018 was the same as the previous March months except by this time, my anxiety levels have reached its peak, responsibilities at school, home and personal relationships were piling up exponentially, and my rate of progress was linear with a very shallow slope (See Figure 1). My high school classmates who also took 5-year programs and my two brothers who were pioneering students in the new K-12 system were also graduating that same month.
After attending my brothers' graduation ceremonies, I was able to catch up with my high school classmates who also graduated that day. One of them invited me and the rest of my high school batch over for a celebratory dinner by the weekend. I felt discouraged to go because I had a lot on my plate at that time and I wasn't sure if I could finish the things that I was supposed to finish if I "slacked off". I already had felt guilty for attending my brothers' graduation ceremony and spending time catching up with my friends earlier before that, so I planned to just sit at home and burn away all the midnight oil until I've completed everything I needed to complete.
One night, one of my professors chatted me for an update on the status of the tasks. He then asked how I have been doing those days. I was reluctant to make the chat longer than it should be because talking to professors who usually are the ones giving away these tasks that I find so difficult to complete, didn't feel right. After encountering several burn-outs and mental black-outs along the way, I decided to take a break and accepted my professor's invitation for a talk. By that time, I was already that desperate for an outlet.
I told him about how I had been feeling-- the frustration and disappointment of not being as productive as I'm supposed to be, the slight envy of seeing my high school classmates graduate on time and wishing that things were different for myself.
The chat went on and he sympathized to what I had been feeling. According to my professor, it was understandable that I was feeling that way and tried to shed a bit of relief in my situation by story-telling how things have been way worse in his time (He was an alumnus of the current department he is teaching), and he was right. Here I was at the other end of the computer screen, seemingly still complaining even though things were already easier for us than what he and his batch went through in his time. Just when I started to feel another wave of discouragement kicking in, he said some really bookmark-worthy things that I'll always be thankful for (probably until the day I die):
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"You see life at different stages have different challenges. Take it one step at a time. Never wish to be in other people's shoes because they were not made for you. Trust me, the cross you carry is the lightest one because they were made for you."
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"Life is full of irony but it's those contradicting things that makes it colorful."
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"Life is really like a river. Nothing to be sad about, but rather many things to learn from it."
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"Realizing that you can't, is the key to knowing how to."
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"That's normal. It means you're done. That's the time we need our friends. You should never stop sharing your thoughts."
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"Even with how busy you have to be, just balance everything. Take some time to relax. Find a talk buddy. Watch movies. Sleep. Just don't forget your responsibilities."
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"I just realized that the first batch of students I handled are finally graduating"
"You guys have come a long way. You should be proud of yourselves you know."
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To put my professor's words in another way:
What's unusual about this encounter was that this person who I was talking to is actually one of the most goal-oriented faculty members in our department. Basically I see this guy as one of the most ambitious, effective and efficient people I know (in some ways, some of my batch mates look up to him because of that) and here I was being told to chill. I mean I have been told by a lot of people to chill but it feels different when it comes from one of the most not-so-chill people I know in the department. A sudden realization took me over: I must be already pretty messed up since he's already the one telling me that.
After that insightful talk, I made a decision (not under compulsion) to attend the celebratory dinner with my friends. Of course, as per custom, there were drinks, and karaoke which was one of the best things there was aside from being with my high school batch that I miss so much.
I don't usually participate in drinking parties. I don't even drink at all when I was in school and only touched alcohol when I'm at home or when I know my parents are watching, but that was a special occasion. I just made sure I enjoyed my time-sensitive freedom even to the point of spraining my right ankle and ripping my mom's pants while walking along the sidewalk of the city on our way to a cafe (Take note, it wasn't because of the alcohol. I was really just that clumsy and wasn't watching where I was going. It probably still would have happened if I didn't drink that night).
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| The following day, the friends I spent time with that night sent this through chat as a joke 😑 |
Thank goodness one of my closest friends was a nurse! She borrowed ice from the cafe counter so she could apply cold compress on my sprain. Again, I said this in the previous story, and I am going to say it again: if it wasn't for friends, I would never have survived these things.
I owe a lot of people that night. I may have delayed my trip back to Cebu because of my sprain the following day haha but that became one of the most enjoyable moments in my life and I was thankful I allowed myself to experience that over breaking down and burning my brains out to do my academic responsibilities.
Personally, I don't regret anything, not even the ripping of my mom's jeans (because I was able to repair and improve it 😂). If there's anything new I got out of this, it's that I need to learn how to take better care of myself and so should everyone. Taking breaks should not be associated with guilt (especially after already exerting so much effort). Your value as a person/as any role should not be equated to how much tasks you could accomplish in one sitting. We're not machines, we're humans. It's important to remember that we are only limited to what we can do.
Acknowledgements:
Thank you to my Professor who unexpectedly chatted me that night and took the initiative to ask how I was doing. I appreciated it Sir!
Thank you also to my friends who rescued me from my academic responsibilities and from a night of self-torture and also from when I tripped and sprained my ankle that night.
Thank you to the cafe person who gave me ice to put on my sprain.
Thank you also to my mom who has been very understanding when I accidentally ripped her jeans (don't worry, next time, I won't wear your clothes to parties anymore) and for driving me to get a traditional massage early in the morning.
I don't think I would have survived without these people. Thank you and yes, I am working on being more careful and less clumsy next time.
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| From Google Images |
Acknowledgements:
Thank you to my Professor who unexpectedly chatted me that night and took the initiative to ask how I was doing. I appreciated it Sir!
Thank you also to my friends who rescued me from my academic responsibilities and from a night of self-torture and also from when I tripped and sprained my ankle that night.
Thank you to the cafe person who gave me ice to put on my sprain.
Thank you also to my mom who has been very understanding when I accidentally ripped her jeans (don't worry, next time, I won't wear your clothes to parties anymore) and for driving me to get a traditional massage early in the morning.
I don't think I would have survived without these people. Thank you and yes, I am working on being more careful and less clumsy next time.
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